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Just found out my husband is cheating on me

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If you've just discovered that your spouse had an affair, I am so sorry. You must feel shocked, devastated, betrayed, horrified, blind-sided, and profoundly hurt. I want to reassure you You CAN get through this. This doesn't mean your marriage or relationship is over. This doesn't mean your partner doesn't love you.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Jessi Chats - I CHEATED on my Husband

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: HOW I found out my ex-husband was CHEATING on me - STORYTIME

10 Things to Do Immediately When You Find Out Your Partner Is Cheating

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You've probably wondered before, "If my husband cheated on me, what would I do? Bankrupt him? Never let him see our kids again? Sure, that's what we think we'd do. But that's all just hypothetical. Rare is the woman who says, "If my husband cheated on me, I'd take him back.

Who stays with a cheater? Well, statistically, a lot of women do—most, in fact, including me. Yes, I'm one of the 81 percent of women who stayed with their husbands after they were unfaithful at least, according to a study from Trustify. I'd been married for 10 years when my husband confessed he'd been having an affair with his assistant.

I was a year-old mom to three young kids. I was finishing up my 12th book. Life was busy. Life was good—until it wasn't. I'd had my doubts about the amount of time my husband was spending with his female assistant. But with a big project at their office, it made sense—or so I told myself. My friends agreed. Then, one night, when my husband was away on a business trip with his assistant, I tried to reach him and I couldn't.

Suddenly, I just knew. There's no other way to describe it. I tried to convince myself that I was being paranoid. But the next day, when he finally answered his phone, I demanded the truth. And he gave it to me—partly. They kissed once. Well, more than once, he reneged. I insisted he come home immediately if he had even the tiniest bit of hope of salvaging our marriage. He did. While he drove the few hours back, I walked around our house wringing my shaking hands like Lady Macbeth.

I was in shock. Over the next few days, the full story eventually trickled out. My husband confessed that he had been having an on-again, off-again affair for four years.

Like so many who discover a partner's betrayal, my emotions were all over the place. I would shake my husband awake at 3 a. Why did you do it? Weren't we happy? I'd vacillate between rage and exhaustion.

Every day, I was trying to be the best mom I could, while also trying to finish the last chapter of my book, which my editor was getting increasingly impatient over.

So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Because here's what no one tells you about infidelity : It's so bring-you-to-your-knees devastating that kicking him out is the last thing you have the energy to do. It takes everything you've got to just breathe, to stem the bleeding, to tuck your kids into bed at night without curling up beside them weeping. But I couldn't let them see me like that.

Because we didn't tell our children. They were too young. I figured they would find out eventually when our marriage fell apart, though I couldn't imagine telling them the whole story. Kick him out? Maybe later. But right now? Right now, you just need to figure out how to get dressed for work, and make lunch for your preschoolers, and cancel the dentist appointment that you can't imagine going to with an affair-sized boulder in your gut.

I hardly told anyone about my husband's affair, except my mother, who asked me one question: "Do you love him? But I didn't have the energy to fight for my marriage. I felt like I was fighting for my life. I lost weight, enough that people who'd previously said I looked "great" began to ask if I was OK.

I didn't tell them what was going on. I couldn't bear the pity or the scorn. That's another part of cheating that we don't talk about enough. Often times, people assume that if a man cheats, that means his wife was a shrew , a nag. She let herself go. The other woman was sexy and interesting. He was trading up. Which is why it's so shocking to so many of us that our husbands cheated with someone who looked… well, ordinary. Because here's yet another thing nobody tells you about infidelity: He didn't cheat because there was something wrong with you, or even your marriage.

He cheated because there was something wrong with him. And he thought he could find the answer in the fantasy of an affair.

I went to a therapist who urged me to give myself as long as I needed to sort this out, and to learn to trust myself. Trust myself? It took me four years to realize that my husband was having an affair. How could I ever trust myself? Six months after he admitted to the affair, my husband made an off-hand remark about visiting a strip club with a colleague several years prior. I wondered. My husband didn't visit strip clubs. Or did he? It turned out, it wasn't just his assistant. There were others.

He'd had this problem long before he'd even met me. He was in therapy for sex addiction, he told me, curled up in the fetal position. His hands were covering his face as if to both contain his shame, and to protect himself from my anger, my shock, my disgust. Suddenly, I looked at this man—my children's father—and felt… pity.

He was in pieces. My children needed a whole father. I told him that I could only promise him that I would be his friend as he sought help for this. I figured that—once he was fully recovered—I would leave. Or he would. Either way, our marriage couldn't survive this. I was sure of it.

Life continued to be a roller coaster of crazy highs and numbing lows. We had a few months of what is euphemistically called " hysterical bonding ," which is frequent, intense, and wild lovemaking. It's surprisingly common in couples dealing with infidelity, though it can generate some shame. After all, this guy just broke your heart and now you can't get enough of him? Eventually, our sex life stopped altogether.

The intimacy felt like too much. I swung wildly between knowing it was over and hoping it wasn't. And I tried to become comfortable with that uncertainty. As I tried to heal, I watched my husband do the painful work of excavating decades of grief, facing down long-repressed abuse, and repeatedly showing up to support me in my own pain.

I began to feel things for him I hadn't imagined I ever could again: respect, compassion, love. It took a long time, which is another thing nobody tells you about infidelity: It can take years to get through.

Two to five, the experts say , though two is overly optimistic, in my opinion. So here I am. More than a decade later, in a "second marriage with my first husband," as psychotherapist Esther Perel quaintly puts it. We're happy.

I Cheated (A Lot). This Is What Happened After My Wife Found Out

I was sitting at my desk at work, fingers poised on the keyboard. I took a deep breath and entered in my best guess for my husband's email password. One click later, I found out I was right -- about both his password and my hunch that he was having an affair. I've never in my life wished more that I had been wrong. Once I had hacked into his email account and then his Twitter account, I couldn't stop reading.

Enjoying your new role as teacher?! Thank you for taking the time to help me.

Oxygen and the capability to trust simultaneously taking leave of my body. Check, check, and check. While my husband choked on his confession of having been unfaithful, my heart revved to a pace I instinctively understood it could not maintain. No joke. None of this is, or was.

Real Talk: The Day I Found Out My Husband Was Cheating and Everything After

You've probably wondered before, "If my husband cheated on me, what would I do? Bankrupt him? Never let him see our kids again? Sure, that's what we think we'd do. But that's all just hypothetical. Rare is the woman who says, "If my husband cheated on me, I'd take him back. Who stays with a cheater? Well, statistically, a lot of women do—most, in fact, including me. Yes, I'm one of the 81 percent of women who stayed with their husbands after they were unfaithful at least, according to a study from Trustify.

Just found out my husband has cheated on me please help

A lot. In fact, the rate of infidelity , per social scientists, has risen steadily over the past decade. That it happens is not a surprise; the why, however, is always a bit more surprising. Benjamin, not his real name, had never been faithful in a single relationship in his whole life.

We had three kids, a hefty mortgage, exhausting work schedules and a mounting pile of pet peeves that we pretended to tolerate in each other. That summer, there would be times when my husband stumbled home at 11 p.

I had dropped the kids off at school, put in a load of laundry, and sat down at our kitchen table to tackle some long-overdue receipt filing. As I sorted through the crumpled stack, my mind wandered to what I'd order for dinner at the local restaurant my husband and I were heading to that night. The gnocchi, I thought. The gnocchi was always good.

11 people reveal how they caught their partner cheating

One of the biggest fears of anyone in a long-term, committed relationship is finding out that their partner has been unfaithful. It's a dilemma as old as time, but today's technology makes it possible to cheat in a whole new variety of ways. Steve Harris, Ph.

A woman has revealed what it's like to be in lockdown with her husband after discovering he's been having multiple affairs - including with one of her close friends. The coronavirus pandemic has changed our daily lives for the foreseeable future, with many people on lockdown, staying inside their homes. One woman from Nebraska has recently revealed she discovered her husband's infidelities right before they started self-isolation and now she's forced to live with him, being reminded of the hurt he's caused her every single day. The wife, known only as Lisa shared her difficult experience with The Cut, explaining how the whole thing is "boggling" her mind. Lisa claims it's been two weeks since she discovered her husband of six years has been cheating on her with multiple people.

O.M.G. I just found out my husband cheated on me!!!

Listen to what your partner has to say. Was it a one-time thing? If not, how long have they been seeing each other and how often were they seeing each other? Are they still in contact? Take a step back. Staying around the person who just dropped this bomb on you is the opposite of what you need right now. Seek companionship in your friends.

Aug 30, - I have watched physical and emotional affairs play out on television, almost to I just couldn't stand the thought of it after being alone with the kids for hours I made my husband leave, and she was there to help me keep it.

It can be very distressing to discover that your partner is having or has had an affair. These tips will help you take practical steps to cope with it. There are many reasons for affairs and they happen in happy relationships as well as those where there have been problems.

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Comments: 1
  1. Vuhn

    It is interesting. You will not prompt to me, where I can find more information on this question?

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