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Find a woman to have an affair with

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If you want to understand what women want, don't ask them about their relationships; ask them about their affairs. In writing my book The State of Affairs , I came to realize again and again that illicit relationships offer a window like no other into the mysteries of female desire. Perhaps this is because, in the context of marriage and committed relationships, women are still accustomed to doing things according to cultural norms and expectations — whether due to pressure, obligation, or simply as part of a trade-off. What women do in marriage tells us less about what they want than about what they value.

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Wife returns to find her husband having an affair with her sister - Karelasyon

I am single and in my 70s. Should I have an affair with a married man?

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If you want to understand what women want, don't ask them about their relationships; ask them about their affairs. In writing my book The State of Affairs , I came to realize again and again that illicit relationships offer a window like no other into the mysteries of female desire. Perhaps this is because, in the context of marriage and committed relationships, women are still accustomed to doing things according to cultural norms and expectations — whether due to pressure, obligation, or simply as part of a trade-off.

What women do in marriage tells us less about what they want than about what they value. In their affairs, however, we get a penetrating glimpse into their free will. Far be it from me to justify infidelity, but as a seeker of truth, I have come to find the truth often hides in places that are less comfortable. A woman I'll call Madison, 31, has been living with a man I'll call Steve for almost five years.

They met at the Brooklyn coworking space where she runs her startup. She tells me that she loves Steve and still believes they'll get married and have a family in a few years' time. But two months ago, she reconnected with her college boyfriend on Facebook, and they've been hooking up. When I inquire as to why, she tells me that in the last year, she has lost interest in sex.

But then it just became such an effort, I couldn't muster it up. It really freaked me out. I'd do it because he wanted to, and sometimes I'd get into it, but mostly I felt numb. I reached out to my old flame to find out if I had really lost that part of myself. Madison discovered that her playful, erotic self was far from dead. In my conversations with her, we explore the fact that she often finds it difficult to hold on to her own identity in the context of her relationships.

In her affair, however, she knows for a fact that she is doing what she actually wants. She's not taking care of anybody; this is just for her.

Secrecy becomes her pathway to autonomy. She is no longer playing a culturally sanctioned role — the nice girl, the girlfriend, the wife, the mother. Through talking to women like Madison about their affairs, I've observed a few themes about their sexuality:. One of the most widely held beliefs about women's sexuality is that it is rooted in security and commitment.

It's commonly thought that men are not really wired for monogamy while women are more naturally inclined to be content with commitment or exclusiveness. Men, the theory goes, need novelty and variety in order to feel turned on, while women need closeness and attachment. Researcher Marta Meana invites us to question this assumption. If it were true that women's sexuality is primarily dependent on relational connectedness — love, commitment, and security — then shouldn't sex be thriving in loving, committed relationships?

But too often, it's not. Take Madison, for example, and the countless other women like her who've reached out to me in recent years. In many cases, though surely not all, when the spark dies, it's a woman who shuts down first and loses interest in her partner — male or female.

Meana suggests that in fact, "Women may be just as turned on as men by the novel, the illicit, the raw, the anonymous, but the arousal value of these may not be important enough to women to trade in things they value more i. But women are well trained to put their emotional needs ahead of their erotic needs — they have much to gain from choosing stable relationships over sexual pleasure. It doesn't surprise me that Madison still intends to marry Steve — but it also doesn't surprise me that she's reconnected with the ex who wasn't "husband material.

Research shows that men remain sexually interested in their partners for longer, with the decline of desire happening gradually. Women tend to lose their interest in a shorter amount of time and rather precipitously. I can't tell you how many desperate husbands have shown up in my office with a reluctant wife in tow, telling me that they are tired of the nightly rejections. No matter how much I try to help out around the house or encourage her to take a break, I can't get lucky.

She's just not interested in sex anymore. All of this reinforces the commonly held belief that women's sex drives just aren't as strong as men's.

But more often than you might imagine, those same women shock themselves and their partners by ending up in a torrid affair. So what does this tell us? Not that women are less interested in sex, but that women become less interested in the sex they can have.

Female desire is a drive that needs to be stoked more intensely and more imaginatively if women are not to lose interest. And because women's sexuality is so responsive to context, it's less about one man versus another and more about the narrative in which the sex is taking place — the story she weaves for herself and the character she gets to play within it. Madison is enchanted by the girl who jumps on the subway at lunchtime to meet her lover at his studio.

The girl who makes dinner for her boyfriend leaves her cold. An affair is always an erotic plot that is inherently exciting. We often hear straight men say that nothing turns them on more than to see a woman who's really into it. But that's rarely what I hear women say about their partners. What turns a woman on is to be the turn-on. The unspoken truth about women's sexuality is how narcissistic it is.

I'm using that term not in a pejorative sense but as an indicator of a woman's ability to focus on herself, away from her caretaking identity. An affair is the antidote to a woman's social world, which revolves around tending to the needs of others.

Madison and Steve's Brooklyn apartment is hardly a suburban family home, but she still feels like a wife, with motherhood waiting a few years down the road. The selflessness required of the wife and mother is at odds with the selfishness that is inherent to desire.

When women find themselves in caretaking roles, they sometimes find it difficult to embrace the kind of self-absorption that is essential to sexual pleasure. If she's busy taking care of others, she cannot retreat inside her own body, feel her own pleasure, and encourage her own mounting excitement.

Some women can just take off the apron, put the baby to bed, and let go. But others find that they can do this only when they are outside of the home, and with someone who has no need of their caretaking.

Women often seek commitment because it's the ultimate affirmation — to be chosen above all others. But ironically, once the commitment is made, the equation shifts. Rooted in evolutionary theories, we tend to think of women's desire as more discriminating.

When a woman wants a man, he can be pretty sure that it's him she wants. But we see men's desire as more indiscriminate.

Hence, when a man wants a woman, she's never really sure if he wants her or just wants sex. And this is even more true in committed relationships, where the woman may suspect that she is simply the convenient object of desire, rather than the chosen subject. He doesn't seem to care if I wear my sexy lingerie or just some old pajamas.

He just gets on with it. With her lover, however, who is also risking his own marriage, she feels more confident that it's her he wants. Madison's story challenges a common myth about infidelity and gender: that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love.

Women, the story goes, stray only when they are sad, lonely, and love-starved. Men, on the other hand, are driven beyond the marital bed by the force of their physical desires. A little historical context helps put this assumption in perspective. Let's not forget that throughout history, men had license to cheat with impunity, conveniently supported by a host of theories about their roaming natures.

Women faced pregnancy, mortality, public shame, and ostracism. Even today, there are still nine countries where a woman can be killed for straying. So while it may be true that over the centuries women have been more likely to cheat when they were miserable, maybe that's because the consequences were too dire to do it for more frivolous reasons.

If women didn't stand to lose everything, perhaps they would not wait until they were desperate. Madison has enjoyed her fling, but she feels bad about lying to Steve. She wants their relationship to work, and she asks me what she can do to reignite their erotic connection.

I often say to my patients that if they could bring into their relationships even a tenth of the boldness, the playfulness, and the verve that they bring to their affairs, their home life would feel quite different. Our creative imagination seems to be richer when it comes to our transgressions than to our commitments. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.

Learn more at estherperel. Topics relationship affair esther perel monogamy the state of affairs.

Best Adult Dating Sites for People Looking to Have An Affair

No one wants to imagine their partner cheating, but unfortunately, affairs happen. If you other half is showing some of the telltale signs , like guarding phones and tablets, changing their behavior, and going missing, your suspicions are probably raised. Manipulators are also master charmers iStock.

The decision to cheat was the culmination of several unhappy years of marriage, according to year-old Jessica Lawrence. But the problem started long before, when she dated and soon broke up with her college boyfriend because he was seeing other women.

He admits he has been a bad husband. What makes you think he will not make an equally rubbish secret boyfriend, asks Annalisa Barbieri. I am a woman in her early 70s who has lived half her adult life alone. I divorced in my 40s when my children were older teenagers.

Want to Know What Women Want? Ask Them About Their Affairs.

I set out to meet and bed as many women as possible using only dating websites. After spending half a year going out on dates and paying thousands of dollars in subscriptions and dinners, I now have the definitive list of the best online dating sites for affairs and casual relationships. I must warn you, most dating sites out there are right out scams, others are full of prostitutes looking for money, and just a few among are real. To come up with this guide of the best dating websites for having an affair I had to sleep with 41 women and counting. You are welcome! Not all dating sites are created equal. We spent months reviewing the top online dating websites; we set up profiles, we messaged people, we went on dates, and here is what we found…. Ashley Madison is an online dating site with a difference as it is dedicated to married people looking for a discreet way to have an affair.

Failing at Trying to Have an Affair

About a year ago, a single male friend of mine mentioned that his efforts at finding a long-term relationship were being hamstrung by the fact that an increasing number of the women he met on dating apps were already married. I became interested in the inner lives of such women, women rebelling against the constraints of monogamy or refusing to be married in the usual way. One woman, having heard about my interest, offered to tell me about her experience on Ashley Madison, a dating app designed for married people seeking out affairs. There was an element of excitement and danger, but alongside that were feelings of loneliness, insecurity, isolation, and shame, the same feelings that made her want to cheat in the first place.

L ove and happiness are certainly important to me in my year marriage to Stephen. They are also important to me in my nine-year affair with Michael.

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Here’s the 1 Place Your Partner Is Most Likely to Have an Affair (Hint: It’s Not the Office)

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My perfect affair – how I’m getting away with it

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Oct 10, - Three surprising truths about female sexuality. Far be it from me to justify infidelity, but as a seeker of truth, I have come to find the truth In her affair, however, she knows for a fact that she is doing what she actually wants.

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